My apologies for not updating in a while but sometimes life gets me down and it's hard to come up with this Shiz then one day something catches my eye and away I go. That and I actually do have a job that pays that I should probably focus on occassionally.
Spring Time For Hitler
According to a recent Fox News Article, http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,556343,00.html?test=latestnews , Hitler may actually be alive! Well maybe that is a stretch but the skull that was believed to have been his that had been collected by the Soviets at the fall of Germany in World War II actually was the skull of a woman. This means that either Hitler was really a woman and the final solution was nothing more than PMS gone really, really, really wrong or the Soviets gave him a sex change before they forced him to commit suicide.
A third option is that Hitler really didn’t die and eventually took over the customer service line for Direct TV. Have you ever called those people at Direct TV and tried to get some help for your receiver? I was sitting at home trying to watch my favorite episode of “Pretty, White Teen Kids in Heat with Issues” on the CW and suddenly everything goes haywire. So I pick up the phone and call their “Help” line only to be run through a series of tests and restarts of my box that produce no results. Seriously, it would be easier to win a land war in Asia than to get the system to work using their guidelines. Finally, they tell me that they’ll have to send out a technician and I will have to pay for the repair even though the fracking dish was just installed last month.
I hung up on them and decide climb on the roof and actually look at the dish that was installed by one of Direct TVs ham fisted, high school drop outs. The “professional” who installed the dish decided to put the dish on a small beam that projects out of my house at the top of the roof. Of course the beam is smaller than the bracket he was required to use so he saved the company money by only using half the bolts to attach it and screw them in at weird angles to make it stay in place. And in place it did stay until the wind decided to blow more than a single, anemic leaf across the yard, at which time the dish moved a half inch.
Of course a call back to the evil empire of direct T.V. and a complaint on the installation got no results other than a threat to charge me if a technician came out. So back up on the roof I go. If I had a nickel for every time I have been up on that roof fixing the dish I could buy a fiddle and sing show tunes about tradition and being rich.
So I’m back on the roof with a cordless drill, some screws, and a cheesy Walkie Talkie my wife got for the emergency preparedness kit while the wife sits in the house watching the screen. I begin to move the dish in the direction I think the dish moved from and suddenly my wife is saying something mixed with the static of the Walkie Talkie that sounds like confirmation of a clear picture or I was picking up the kid down at McDonalds asking me if I wanted to Super Size my order. Either way, I took it as a sign and proceeded to drill in additional screws and other bits of metal to try and support the mounting plate for the dish so it wouldn’t move when the next micro hurricane hit our house or someone decided to slam the bathroom door too hard.
So I do believe that Hitler is in fact alive and working for direct T.V. I actually have some proof of this. A guy I know is seriously into World War II history. He used to dress up as a soldier and run around shooting guns with blanks at other guys in the woods as a hobby. He actually does speak German as well. In the major metropolitan area where he lives there is an area known as German Town where the German expatriates and immigrants hang out. There are restaurants and other businesses that cater to their needs. This guy spent a lot of time down there and frequented one shop that sold a lot of German war memorabilia. He told me they had great T-Shirts with Panzer Tanks and other cool German military vehicles on them that he just loved to add to his collection.
Well after a few trips he was picking through a box of medals and other military items at the counter. As he separated the fakes from the real stuff, the nice German lady at the counter “decided” that this guy was “safe” and it was time to introduce him to some of the “other” items the store carried. So she invites him to see these specialty items which include a special beer stein commemorating Hitler’s one hundredth birthday. He thinks it is a great item until he realizes that it is brand spanking new, not a collectible.
Maybe it is circumstantial evidence but perhaps Hitler really is a live and the beer stein was a party favor at his one hundredth birthday party. I’m just saying, it could happen since he was born in 1889 and his 100th would have been in 1989. With today’s technology he might be a cybernetic organism sent from the future to kill John Conner for all I know.
But the bigger question is what is a 121 year old man doing still working for Direct T.V.? Is he hiding from the Mossad? Does direct T.V. have a call center in Argentina? Does he know Hugo Boss Chavez of Venezuela? Is Hugo Boss Chavez actually the son of Hitler?
These are all questions that I would like answered. Of course if the Soviets gave Hitler that sex change then perhaps he is Hugo Boss Chavez’s mommy. If he is indeed Hugo’s mommy then I can see why he has been hiding out with that embarrassing Hitler mustache while wearing a dress.
Speaking of sex changes, I would also like to thank the brown shirts at the California Motor Vehicle Department (DMV) who gave me one so many years ago. Yes, that’s right, according to my driver’s license I am a woman. I tried to get them to fix it but the guys who are looking to get promoted to National Health Care Czar just couldn’t figure out how to do it. I also weigh exactly what I weighed when I was 16 even though I did fill in my correct weight the last time I got a new license.
When I was 16 and a Sophomore in High School, I passed my driver’s test and got home when I realized the error. It was printed right on my temporary license. I called and they told me to go back in and they would take care of it. So I drove the half hour into the office and then waited another half hour in line only to be told that I had to wait until I received my actual driver’s license in the mail before they could fix my problem.
Well the problem never got fixed which was fine considering it got me out of a ticket. I was on a date with my future wife when I got lit up by the cops as I pulled out of the parking lot of a shopping complex. You see, the lights in that parking lot are so bright you can get a tan from them. I didn’t turn on my headlights immediately so a cop pulled me over thinking I had been drinking. “Sure officer, I just was throwing back a tall one there in the checkout line of KMART.”
So I hand the officer my license and he asks me the obligatory, “Is all the information correct?” Being the smarty, punk kid that I am I told him no that it was not. He immediately tensed up. I’ve seen it on COPS a hundred times. It is at this point in the conversation that the cop usually finds out that the driver’s license actually belongs to the driver’s cousin, warrants are found to be outstanding, and after cuffing the guy and throwing him in the back of the police cruiser they open the trunk to find piles and piles of pirated Tae Bo workout videos.
He reaches his hand back to his gun and asks me what is incorrect. I tell him, “The folks at the Motor Vehicle Department decided to give me a sex change” in as strait a manner as I can without even blinking. I said this as if it was perfectly normal and reasonable. The cop looks at me, looks at my license, looks at me, looks at my license, makes a quick snickering sound, hands me my license, and tells me to, “Have a nice evening.”
Now I wouldn’t worry so much about this if the same caliber of people who run the motor vehicle department would also be running our national health care system. They may insist that their error at the DMV be corrected at my local health clinic which means cyber Hitler and I might be sharing beauty tips someday. I might be going off a little half cooked on this one, but maybe I should call for an investigation of the Russians and their conspiracy to give Hitler a sex change!
