The Evils of Cover Bands, Karaoke, Air Guitar, and Your Mom's A Liar

So your sister brings home a guy who happens to be a musician. Cool, you think. I can appreciate a lad who plays an instrument. It's hard work to learn an instrument and so you figure at least the guy has some direction in life and a work ethic. So you are trying to make idle chit chat and you ask him, "So what's the name of your band?" He replies, "Have you heard of Poison?" To which your mind starts reeling. He looks about the right age and all. Could he really be a member of Poison even though he obviously isn't Brett Michaels? So you immediately ask, "You're in Poison?" To which he replies, "No, I'm in a Poison cover band." Now you have to make sure this loser stops dating your sister immediately.

Two of the worst inventions in life are cover bands and Karaoke machines. Now lets be honest. If you are good enough to get paid to play a gig as a cover band, why not be a real band instead of dressing up and trying to sing like the real guys. I know you loved the 80's and want to wear your hair long while crooning a power ballad but why not write something original and not wreck my memories of the original Poison version of "Every Rose Has It's Thorns".

I get it, you love the couple songs that whatever group you are covering did. So you and your buddies dressed up for a spoof at the high school talent show. But what was funny and entertaining for three minutes back in 1989 was never meant to be the basis for a career. Sure if you and your buds want to jam on Saturday night to songs from your favorite groups, then go for it. But becoming a cover band is just too much.

Take the Oak Ridge Boys and their classic "Elvira". Sure, we all liked singing along to the drunken ballad years ago about a woman whose name was just like the strange vampire chick who no one really understood but who the media told you was sexy. So you get your buds together and cover the song. Let's be honest, the Oak Ridge Boys would never have made it if they sounded like you did:



Your cover band smells like raw sewage on a hot day bud! Time to get a real job and stop your obsession with Poison. You are not Poison and you never will be. It's embarrassing for everyone who knows you to sit while you try and croon like the originals. Sure your mom loves you just like the moms of those rejects on America's Got Talent and American Idol who didn't love them enough to tell them that they were going to make complete donkeys out of themselves on national T.V. Mommy didn't want to hurt your feelings thus stunting your ultimate goal since you were five to become the first Astronaut on Mars even though your SAT scores were so low you couldn't even get into a diploma mill advertising in the back of Mad Magazine.

Yes, when your mom tells you that your musical talents are on par with the professional music set she is lying. Go get someone else to listen to your music such as someone who doesn't like you very much. It will save you from a wasted career in that cover band. Then when you show up dating my sister you'll be able to tell me about your job at the bank or something that won't get you beaten and left naked in a ditch.

And to the evil son of goat that invented the Karaoke machine, a pox on you and your house for seven generations for inventing that horrid device. Even my bishop has one of those infernal machines but thankfully he has never invited me over to listen to him belt out "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. There is only two reasons to get on one of those machines. The first is that you are horribly drunk. Many karaoke machines are located in bars for good reason. Your drunk buddies think you sound great.



So your drunk friends love you but you stink buddy. Now please leave the bar and we will never speak of this again. But oh, that's not enough! You have to go buy one of those evil machines and use it when your friends come over (your sober friends) because you actually think you have talent. Dude, your mom lied to you again!

If karaoke isn't bad enough, the idiots that make a semi pro career out of air guitar should be shot. Sure, we all loved the 80's and 90's and yes we all played along to our favorite song in the privacy of our own room but just because your mom said it looked cool does not mean you get to make a career out of doing the air guitar. If you are going to spend hours of your time perfecting your routine for air guitar, maybe you should learn how to play a REAL guitar because you look like a loser now that you are 35++ years old and playing air guitar in a competition.



There really is only two reasons to do this. The first is that you are heavily intoxicated and would slur your words too much to do Karaoke or once again, your mom told you that you had a talent for this. Well you didn't so stop doing air guitar and do something that might actually get you a date and a shot at love on something other than a reality show on basic cable. You have been warned, your mother lied to you!