Badger Fishing and Other Poor Choices

Going Off Half Cooked (Originally Written March 2008)

Badger Fishing and Other Poor Choices


20 lbs may not seem like much but like most things in life packaging and marketing have more to do with reality than the actual product you end up with. A fine example of marketing and packaging gone wrong is the lesser known but growing sport of Badger Fishing.

For those of you unfamiliar with Taxidea taxus or the American Badger, it is a creature that can only be described as 20lbs of fur and mean. The Badger is a solitary fellow who enjoys nothing more than eating raw meat except maybe running down and killing said meat, in this way they are not unlike lawyers.

Our friend badger likes to live in a den or hole in the ground at only a few feet deep but nearly a foot in diameter. Badger has sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. His surly disposition is legendary. I know a guy that went aquatic fishing one day and had the honor of being chased by Mr. Badger all the way back to his car. Upon reaching his vehicle, our hapless fisherman did not have time to enter the vehicle but found it necessary to jump on top to escape impeding doom.

Badger, not one to easily give up, circled his car for a long time unwilling to yield. Finally he disappeared and the fisherman was able to scramble in his car and pull away. As he backed out he noticed that in the early morning darkness, he had parked right on top of the badger’s abode which explained his surliness to some degree.

Badgers have very fine pelts and can often be seen atop the heads of mountain men and fur traders. I suppose if one were inclined to wear an expired animal upon one’s head, the badger would be a much better choice than say a skunk or the lowly raccoon. With apologies to David Crocket, late of Tennessee, the badger is a superior fighter to the raccoon and as such a more impressive choice in head wear.

But the badger has not had life so easy. His large diameter holes drive farmers and cattlemen into a tizzy. In spite of the badger’s reputation for ruthlessness, he is easy prey to a 17 grain lead pill fired from a rifle. In that regard it is not entirely impossible to find some sympathetic to our angry little friend.

Hence the sport of Badger Fishing was born. For the novice, I will endeavor to explain the steps for successfully fishing for badger. The first step is to locate appropriate bait. I prefer to locate a Ground Squirrel or Jack Rabbit that has recently undergone some reconstructive surgery courtesy of a high powered varmint rifle. The badger prefers his meat tenderized after all.

The next step is to secure some rope and tie the bait of choice to the end. I would suggest at least 15 feet of rope. I also like to connect the non baited end of the rope to a large stick or even better the handle of a shovel.
Now that your fishing rig is properly set up, the next step is to cast your baited rope down into the badgers abode. Unlike fishing for aquatic species, the wait time for action is pretty abbreviated as the badger is not one to pass up a free meal, not unlike a teenager.

Badger will grab on and then the fun begins. Even the strongest of adult males will find it uncanny that 20 pounds can so easily become closer to 100 or more pounds in a matter of seconds. The badger simply does not want to give back what was so freely given to him in the first place. So a tug of war ensues.

On the few occasions I have observed badger fishing and the even fewer where I have participated directly, it is possible to get the badger to either yield his treat or to even pull him out of the hole. Upon removing the badger from the hole though, the fisherman is often at a loss of what to do next.

There are three or four schools of thought on the subject. One school of thought suggests the following: “Run like hell itself was chasing you!” Yet another school of thought is to: “Run faster!” While a third group would right suggest to: “Run even faster than hell and get your butt up a tree!” I personally feel it is best not to run while still holding onto the rope with the food you gave the badger but there is some disagreement among the pro circuit of badger fishermen if this really makes a bit of difference seeing as you have already gone and made the badger mad.

Some of the less ethical have suggested fishing with a slow friend in which case the person fishing would only have to run slightly faster than his companion. While it may be tempting to invite that no good brother in law, co-worker, weasel boss, or soon to be ex-spouse to act as your fishing buddy, I can speak from experience and tell you it will do lasting harm to you in the future by limiting the pool of potential fishing partners to actual people who only like you while heavily intoxicated. Personally I like to have someone with me who enjoys owning, wearing, and shooting multiple firearms.

Having survived my latest bout with Badger fishing, I was feeling rather smug about the whole thing only to wake up the next morning and realize I had pulled a muscle in my stomach. Which brings me to another suggestion for aspiring badger fishermen (and women). Be sure and stretch out properly before badger fishing and make sure you are in good shape. This way you can avoid the most preventable of badger fishing injuries. Another added benefit, is that should the badger actually catch you, your flesh will be much more supple and firm for his palate.

As I contemplated the growing popularity of badger fishing, I thought of the other great animal related sports out in the world that are sure to benefit from the increased exposure of the new sport of kings. Noodleing, or catching catfish as big as a Buick with your bare hands is one. Another similar sport, Ferret Legging, where one inserts a pair of wild ferrets into one’s trousers for the purposes of gambling also comes to mind. Both sports involve the same level of risk and alcohol consumption as one would find in politics or the pro badger fishing circuit.

I have been contemplating an extreme version of the sport where one would try Ferret Legging, Noodleing, and Badger Fishing all at the same time. I’m sure it’s appeal to spectators could not be overstated. Perhaps the sport could take place in a cage and the participants would have shaved heads with tattoos covering their bodies because as anyone knows to be a sports hero these days, particularly in contact sports, you must have multiple tattoos. The toughest boxers and cage fighters seem to be covered in them. That fellow Mike Tyson had a face tattoo and he bit another boxer’s ear off. I can see it now. Mike Tyson in a cage with an angry badger, some meat, two ferrets down his trunks, and a catfish as big as a Buick…..Maybe I’m Going Off a Little Half Cooked!