Cars That Kill

Going Off Half Cooked- Cars that Kill

I was at home last night and turned on the television to find the classic 80s flick “Christine” was on. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this movie it is based on the Stephen King novel about a teenager with a possessed car. The car comes alive and starts killing people seeking some sort of twisted vengeance.

The car had the unique ability to self repair to a like new condition after it crashed into victims. At one point the exterior and interior are badly burned and the next morning the car looks just like new. In the end, the car has to be crushed into a block of twisted metal to stop it from going out and killing people.

Inanimate objects coming to life and killing hapless victims has been a relatively recent phenomena. How many adults have a strong dislike for old fashioned dolls with the eyes that open and close simply because they saw some creepy movie where the doll came to life and tried to kill people? Dolls didn’t come to life and kill people before and no one was afraid of them but somewhere along the line they became evil dolls bent on killing people.

Cars seem to magically come to life these days and go on killing sprees. Stephen King’s fictional novel is today’s reality. Sport Utility Vehicles (SUVs) are constantly mentioned in the headlines for their dastardly deeds. Just type “SUVs Kill” into Google and see how many hits come up. I guess after the movie “Christine” came out in theaters, other cars learned that they too could begin murdering hapless people across the country.

Obesity also kills people or so I’ve read in the papers. I can just see some poor fat slob sitting in his dirty wife beater on the couch watching Oprah when suddenly his fat bulges come to life and swallow him up. The police show up only to find the wife beater shirt and some dirty boxers where the man used to be. A detective that looks like Columbo tells a beat cop resembling Barney Fife that the suspect is that dreaded Obesity. Obesity kills 26,000 people per year, didn’t you know!

Guns also seem to spring to life without warning and start barking lead slugs in all directions. The papers are full of headlines about guns killing. I’m sure the headlines don’t tell the full story. The gun was just sitting in an old lady’s purse minding its own business when it suddenly became angry and started firing without warning. We indeed live in a scary world where nothing can be taken for granted.

I have also read that Crack kills thousands of people every year which is a sad commentary on blue collar occupations such as plumbers and bar flies. The vicious crack does not seem content to just be hidden but must force down the pants of the unsuspecting crack owner and take vicious aim at any bystander that happens to be looking that direction. The Crack problem does not get anywhere near the press it used to because it tends to involve white, middle aged men. Had the crack problem been afflicting more minorities, perhaps there would have been government funding to help stop the problem.

In addition to Crack, other drugs both legal and illegal are often blamed for killing. Tainted produce has also been known to come to life and kill without remorse. I long for the good old days when predatory animals, crazed mad-man dictators, nefarious viruses, politicians, and aliens from the furthest reaches of the galaxy did all the killing. At least back then there were no surprises.

No one would walk into a garage worrying if the chainsaw would suddenly spring to life trying to kill. No one worried about little Suzy’s new doll choking her to death in the middle of the night or little Bobby’s bicycle taking control and killing. The inanimate objects (other than the politicians) weren’t killing people. It took living organisms to do the killing. There were no surprises when you tried to go for a drive down the freeway. No SUVs, crazed with anger, came roaring your direction trying to kill you.

Back in the good old days, you could rely on your dog eating your homework and it made perfect sense. Everyone knew that dogs had veracious appetites for wood pulp products. When little Eddie showed up to school sans homework and told the teacher the dog ate it, there was always the possibility that the dog did indeed make a conscious decision to eat the steno pad. That sort of thing was foreseeable because that same dog had messed on the carpet, ruined mom’s new high heel pumps, and eaten the cord to grandpa’s table saw. The dog had free will and was mad with anger at the things of the world. The dog could think and act on its own. If your dog did eat your homework, it wasn’t too shocking.
I have often heard that animals are extra sensitive to changes in the environment. There are scientists that theorize that animals can sense an approaching tsunami or when an earthquake will happen. Perhaps man’s best friend knew that inanimate objects were beginning to stir from the depths of slumber to bring havoc and chaos to mankind. Perhaps Fido ate your homework to protect you!

Since all dogs except for Lassie can’t talk, perhaps they did the only thing they could do. They chewed up everything that was going to try and kill. My sister’s dog chewed up several items in her house including her cell phone and we all know that cell phones are killing people right and left these days. Fido should not be wacked with the newspaper for chewing up the cell phone; he should be celebrated with a fat juicy steak for his efforts in the face of incredible adversity.

Even Lassie has done her best to save the planet. Unfortunately, Timmy keeps falling in the well leaving her very little time to attack things that may kill. Lassie was one of the first dogs involved in the life saving business and even tried at times to tell people what the danger was. And what did that ingrate Timmy do? He kept falling down the well and leaving poor Lassie no time to fight the other dangers or learn proper English. This would have helped Timmy when Lassie was trying to get help.

Lassie had other challenges as well. As a Collie, she was of Scottish ancestry and a dog trying to learn to speak with a Scottish accent is already facing an uphill battle. Imagine if Sean Connery only spoke dog and suddenly had to learn English. It would be near impossible for him to be understood by anyone. He’d be threatening to kill Goldfinger and Goldfinger would have to keep asking him to repeat himself which isn’t the way to intimidate a huge crime boss. So Lassie was working on her communication skills but with all of Timmy’s problems falling in every well in the county, she could only do so much.

The poor klutzes of the world, like Timmy, stand no chance in today’s dangerous environment. The kid kept falling into wells for goodness sake, how is he going to avoid an angry SUV or sadistic lawnmower bent on killing him? What we need are more laws to protect us but unfortunately the politicians are a big part of the problem themselves.

When bicycles started killing a few years back, the politicians didn’t think it was in their best interest politically to declare war on the bicycles. Ever since World War II, politicians have been reluctant to declare war. They are worried about getting re-elected and the anti-war lobby can make this very difficult. Instead they passed crazy laws requiring helmets which just slow a kid down when he’s trying to run from a crazed bicycle. In the end, the bicycle is easily able to catch the child. It’s a bike for goodness sake not a sack of potatoes!

When will the madness end? Americans need to wake up to the real and present danger we are faced with from crazed inanimate objects before it is too late. We must come up with a plan to protect the American people. It may cost us some of our liberty and even be inconvenient at times but is that too much of a cost to feel safe once again? Crazed inanimate objects must be sent somewhere where they cannot hurt real people anymore like San Francisco or Cuba. Cuba already has a government facility set up for handling terrorists; perhaps we can kill two birds with one stone. We could give these angry bicycles, guns, chainsaws, SUVs, drugs, and dolls to the terrorists and they could engage in a battle royal!

The cost would be negligible and it might even turn a profit for the government. The government could auction off the broadcast rights to the whole thing to a cable channel. It would be one of the highest rated reality shows ever. We could call it, “When Wild SUVs Attack Enemy Combatants in Cuba” or “The Crack Wars of Guantanamo Bay Watch”. We could have David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff hosting the whole thing.

Bringing “The Hoff” into the show would make the show appealing to a much broader audience. “The Hoff” is very popular in both Europe and Japan. He even had a number one hit song in Germany.

Those folks love “The Hoff” and I am certain it is only a matter of time before inanimate objects and their quest for domination spread into those areas of the world. The show would be of great service to the world by showing them the dangers these items are to their peoples. I may be going off a little half cooked here, but I think “The Hoff” may be the best hope for our future and our children’s future.