Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Holidays Are Here Again......

It's the most horrible time of the year!!!

Yep, if Scrooge and the Grinch had a kid together it would be me.  I just can't stand the holiday season.  No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to enjoy it.  I try and try and try but it just seems like everything goes to heck in a handbasket.

Take this last weekend.  I was supposed to be enjoying some nice time at the parents ranch in the hills.  The nights were cold but the days were beautiful.  It was a great opportunity to have some fun except.....

I spent part of my free time chasing cows that escaped and cancelled the rest when my kid cut his leg open needing stitches.  He did this jumping on the couch after he was told multiple times to stop.  I ended up going home early and instead of having some good family fun I was just tired and mad.

Work itself becomes more hectic as I try to finish up everything that needs to be done by year end.  Then there's the company Christmas party that I would rather not attend because a party at work feels like work not fun.  There's always one or two employees who complain about the party afterwards.  They either didn't like the food or thought the awards were lame or hated the gift they recieved.  It's enough to make one long for the days when you could still beat your employees.

I also get to look forward to a large pile of work after the holiday when the year ends and taxes start up.  This year I also had the wonderful opportunity to begin working on insurance renewals and quotes because my insurance company decided to move up their renewal date.  Thanks guys!

Then there's the whole let down of Christmas day.  The kids are wild and whiney, I rarely get anything I want or need, spend all day puting stuff together that was never assembled when it was packaged in China, have to pick up a bunch of paper and boxes, and on top of all that get to go to church this year because Christmas is on Sunday.  Yea!!! I get to put on a coat and tie!!!!!  Whoever invented coats and ties should be shot.  Why can't I just go dressed in something comfortable??????

Then as soon as it's over I have to go take down the stupid lights and outdoor decorations.  That will take a lot of time that I would prefer to spend doing almost anything else.  I hate going up and down the ladder, hour after hour to take down lights that the kids quit appreciating weeks ago.

If I didn't have kids I think I would skip the whole thing.  Really, if it weren't for them I wouldn't even bother.  Each holiday season I remember why people drink around this time of year and secretly wish I wasn't Mormon and could go through this horrible experience with the sweet numbing sensation brought on by cheap whisky.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Dedication!

Dedication that's what that is!  When you're willing to fork over the high price for California Vanity Plates year after year you must be a true believer.  This is a real license plate picture that I took with my cell phone camera recently as I drove to a meeting in California.  I won't even put a bumper sticker for a candidate on my vehicle let alone consider doing something like this.  Frankly, there isn't a person in the whole world other than my wife and kids whose name I might consider puting on my vehicle.

It's like getting a tattoo with someone's name.  I wouldn't do it not because if it didn't work out I'd be stuck with it but because I just am not that emotionally invested I guess to put a permanent mark on my body.  Same goes for my vehicle.  What makes this picture particularly funny is that most people I know that voted for Obama the last time around aren't in a hurry to advertise that now with the lackluster economy and jobless rates.  I guess their hope and change has just turned into hoping that no one remembers they supported that guy.

In a way though I am a little impressed with the guy with the Obama vanity plates.  That is extreme dedication to his cause.  There are only a few other people in history that have shown that type of resolve.  Hannibal as he crossed the alps riding elephants is one that comes to mind.  I don't think elephants are too fond of snow but he still pushed on.  Hitler refusing to surrender even with the Soviets in Berlin is another example of dedication.  There's a guy that lives in the desert that still insists the moon landing was faked and the earth is really flat.  He doesn't care what evidence he sees to the contrary.  That's dedication!

Of course going to a football game for a losing team in freezing weather and staying till the final whistle after watching the slaughter might also be a form of crazed dedication.  So it's good that I don't know anyone personally who did that on Saturday night starting at 7pm with three cold and cranky kids in tow while their team lost by over 25 points.  Just like those Obama voters from last time around, I'd like everyone to forget the guy that stayed long past the other 95% of the people in the stadium.

And that huge number of people in the stands was at the beginning of the game!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Celebrity Vampires

Fox news is reporting that a man is selling an 1800s photo of Nicholas Cage Cage Vampire Article

Some have stated that they do not believe that Cage is a vampire but I believe that the photo from the 1800s is actually Nicholas Cage, vampire or not.  Perhaps he is just some sort of weird creature that rejuvinates after reaching a certain age who then blends back into society.  For years I've believed that some celebrities such as Cher had supernatural abilities.  Just look at Cher and tell me that something isn't quite right there.

My theory became even more real when I was watching a History Channel special on the 3rd Reich SS, Hitler's sinister special group of madmen.  As I watched this special I was suddenly shocked to see a picture of actor Christopher Gorham, a native of nearby Fresno, CA.  Gorham currently is a regular cast member of the USA Network's show "Covert Affairs" and was the lead actor in "The Other Side of Heaven" portraying LDS missionary John Groberg!  Christophr Gorham Wikipedia Entry In the History Channel special his picture was shown in full SS dress uniform!!!  I nearly fell out of my seat and yelled, "That's Augie from Covert Affairs!!!!"

So Nicholas Cage, Cher, and Christopher Gorham are all much, much older than we thought!  Are they vampires?  Well I think most have been out in the sunlight although with Cher it is hard to tell if she ever has been in the sun.  In her music video If I Could Turn Back Time the sailors seem oddly messmerized by the old lady and the video is shot at night.  Both could be signs that she is something more than normal.  Perhaps there are multiple supernatural things at work here.  Maybe she's a vampire but Cage and Gorham are just immortal.

I always thought Elvira Mistress of the Night was a vampire.  Maralyn Manson looks like one too.  And when I say vampire I don't mean the friendly ones that sparkle like in that horrible book series.  Conservative celebrity Ann Coulter looks a little creepy as well.  Perhaps she's a vampire.  Michael Jackson gave me the willies long after Thriller came on the scene.  And what about all those Elvis sightings over the years since is "alleged" death.  Carrot Top is also kind of creepy in an undead sort of way and Christopher Walken just scares me sometime.  Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones used enough drugs that he should have died long ago if not for some supernatural help.  Steven Tyler from Aerosmith looks kind of like a walking corpse too!  Phyllis Diller is still around and that lady is way, way old!

The real question we need to ask is if the rest of us normal, non supernatural types are in any danger from the living dead celebrities.  Do they crave human flesh or just attention?  Does their supernatural ability to live long after they should have died upset the natural balance on our planet.  These are all questions we must answer.  Only with these answers will we know for sure whether we need to purchase torches and pitchforks!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Catch 22 or Lesser of Two Evils

Well if you have to ask.....

Seriously though, why are so many options we have in life a choice between bad and worse?  Take the above statement.  I feel sorry for any guy that gets asked this question by his wife and/or girlfriend.  A yes answer is telling her you think she looks fat but if it is a really bad wardrobe choice then what do you do?

It's kind of like asking someone if they would rather jump into a pool of snot or a pool of cow manure if someone put a gun to their head.  Well obviously either is better than a bullet in the brain but is one option really any better than the other?

I was reminded of this the other day when someone mentioned the dog breed known as the Chow.  I was immediately taken back to my days as a 15 or 16 year old scout and a money making project we did.  Our scoutmaster knew a guy that had a ton of weeds around his house, barn and orchard that he wanted to get knocked down.  We went to work with hoes and rakes and soon had several large piles of dried up weeds and grass.  The scoutmaster also brought his tractor and disk to work some of the weedy ground.  Well things now looked pretty good except for the large piles of dead plant material everywhere.  So what were we to do?

The scoutmaster got the idea that we could burn the weeds.  This was back in the day when no one complained about air quality or permits for burning anything.  So he proceeded to light a pile.  That seemed to be working pretty good so he decided to light all the piles scattered around the place.  Well with a small breeze those piles were burning pretty good rather quickly and the matter of the fire spreading to some remaining areas of dry grass soon became a problem.  The scouts worked like mad men with hoes and shovels but it soon became apparent that we were getting beat by the fire.  What we needed was water and we needed it badly.

The problem was that the hose was inside the fenced yard which had a large Chow patroling it.  So the question became which would we rather do, burn up a few acres of property and possibly a building or two or brave the blood thirsty Chow.  Finally we convinced one scout to make the trip into the Chow's lair.

We tried to help.  We distracted the Chow as our buddy sneaked in.  He got to the hose and was able to turn it on before the large as a bear Chow saw him.  The Chow began running and barking at our fellow scout.  The barking sounded more like a blood thirsty snarl and the scout began running for the gate with the hose in hand screaming in fear.  He made it just in time and we continued fighting the fire eventually getting it out.

The owner of the property was very happy even though our fire sprang back up after we left and burned up his pool pipes.  He turned that into insurance and told us that the pipes were really old and needed to be replaced anyway.  He paid us well and we were able to go to scout camp with the money we had earned.

I did earn a healthy respect for both fire and Chows that day and wondered if I had to make that choice would I choose to get chased by a Chow or risk burning a few acres.  I still can't answer that question.  Sometimes the choices we have are bad no matter which one we choose.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'M SHOCKED!!!! Really?




I'm shocked!  It seems this set of words is used too frequently anymore.  The latest involved the death of drug queen Amy Winehouse.  The headline announcing her death was humorous.  It stated, "Friends and Family Shocked".  Really?  They were shocked to learn that the woman who blew through drugs by the tractor trailer load ended up dead?

How about the people that are shocked when Lindsay Lohan ends up in jail.

Or the people that are shocked by another celebrity marriage falling apart.

Or the shock caused by finding out that another politician is cheating on his wife.

Or the shock caused by finding out that another politician is corrupt.

Or the shock from finding out a particular government agency or program was rife with waste, fraud, and corruption.

Really?  Are we that shocked anymore or were the signs there all along.

I remember during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina when the government handed out debit cards to those who were displaced.  Soon the reports came in about "refugees" reportedly buying things like large screen televisions and liquor.  Folks were shocked to hear this.  Really?  Did you see the looting going on in New Orleans?  Even the police were getting in on the action. 

I think what would be shocking is seeing the exact opposite of what we expect to happen.  Like if Amy Winehouse lived to be 100 or a celebrity marriage actually lasted an entire lifetime.  That would be shocking.  But the utter corruption, decadence and decay in society is only shocking anymore if you've been living under a rock.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I Hate Social Media!

I really, really, really hate social network sites.  Myface, Faceoff, or whatever, I just dislike them to no end.  Why?  They are huge time wasters.  A couple people at work were so hooked on them that we had to configure the firewall to block them.  Folks were spending hours sneaking time in checking out their "friends" and playing something called Farm Wars.

And speaking of friends, if you are too lazy to write a letter (or even email) or simply pick up the phone to talk to them are they really your friends?  And if you just added them to your list as a friend and have never really talked to them aren't they more along the lines of perfect strangers than "friends".  What does friendship mean when you have 500 friends on a social media website?  Really?

I must admit I did sign up for one of these social websites a while back.  I was trying to help a nearby city win a contest to help feed the hungry.  They ended up getting second place.  In the few weeks I was on this thing I had a whole bunch of people try to add me as their "friend".  People I hardly knew or didn't even like constantly bombarded me with invitations to be their "friend".  I wouldn't let these people watch my dog overnight and they want to be my "friend".  People that wouldn't normally even talk to me wanted to add me to their meaningless list.  Boy that sure is flattering!

Then there is the nefarious uses of the social websites.  Folks getting in touch with that old flame from the days past.  Folks I got news for you, that old love of your's from high school didn't age well, is overweight, and there was a reason you broke up.  It wasn't going to work then and it's just going to mess your life up especially if either of you are married today to someone else.  People also lie on social media.  They lie a lot.  I have a relative who constantly lied about what was going on in their life just so they could hack off their ex spouse.  This person spent hours posting outright lies because they knew the other person was checking out their page.  I'm sure the ex spouse was doing the same thing.  Meanwhile the real relationships in life suffer because time is highly perishable and whatever time you waste on social network sites is time lost with your real friends and family that you live with, work with, and actually used to care about more than the 500 fake friends you've collected to help you battle on Mafia Farm.

While we are on the subject lets talk about Tweeting and Twittering.  There is no one in the world that I care enough about to want minute by minute updates about them delivered to my cell phone.  No one.  Short of Jesus Christ himself there is no one in the entire Universe, Multiverse, Underverse, or Microverse that I care about hearing from like that.  My life is full, rich, exciting, and busy enough that I don't want or need updates on anyone else's.  If you are into this junk start living your own life now.  Do you think the celebrity that tweets you all the time even cares a flip about you?  Just ask Congressman Weiner about how much he really cared about his real family after spending hours Tweeting people.

And let's talk further about video games.  I admit that I enjoy the occassional video game every few months but the biggest waste of time has got to be the segment of the market known as Sports Video Games.  Unless you live in Prudhoe Bay Alaska and can't go outside 10 months out of the year there is no reason to have these games.  If you want to play basketball then go outside and do it.  If you want to play football go outside and do it.  Ice hockey, join a league.  People spend hours and hours mastering button combinations when they could have learned to play a real sport and gotten some exercise too.  In the process of playing a sport for real they could have made some real friends.  People that live in the real world that are actually living their lives.  What a concept!

Which brings me to the fake music video games.  I know guys that have spent hours and hours day after day playing games with fake musical instruments.  Really, if they had spent a fraction of the time learning to play a real instrument then maybe, just maybe they could actually play something that was real.  Seriously, Loserville is your home town when you spend years of your life playing a fake musical instrument but can't get past "Chop Sticks" or "Hot Cross Buns" on a real instrument.  You put in the time practicing for nothing.  Even the guys who are good at Air Guitar make fun of you.  Paint the "L" on your forehead now or start living life.

And that's what it really comes down to, you need to live life.  It isn't making fake "friends" on Mywraith, Battling Trolls online with your fantasy Elfin team, catching a football from a digital version of Michael Vick, or playing a fake instrument with a fake version of Motley Crew.  Life is about really being in the action that matters and spending time with real people and real things.  So move out of your parents basement, get a job, bathe, and get a real relationship.  Otherwise just paint the big "L" on your forehead because you know that Darth Vader didn't spend hours "friending" people online.  He was too busy hunting down Jedi and bringing order to the universe.  He lived his life to the fullest and so should you!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Papa Smurf is a Nazi?


Papa Smurf Nazi Article

According to the above article, Papa Smurf is a Nazi.  Yes the lovable patriarch of the Smurf clan is really a jack booted thug bent on destroying the Jewish wizard Gargamel.  Really????  The middle east is burning, the world is in a financial mess, and some folks really think this is important?!?!?!?!

So to spare anyone else the time and effort of identifying other dubious cartoon characters and their evil intentions I've decided to list a few below.

Yosemite Sam:  Obviously a racist, southern Klansman and NRA member.  He should be banned from television immediately.

Road Runner:  Elitist with special privileges (aka speed) who uses his unfair advantage to deny food to poor Wiley Coyote.

Elmer Fudd:  White, racist gun nut.  Like Yosemite Sam but without the anger management issues.

He-Man:  Obviously another sexist white man with racist issues.  He forces Skeletor to live in dingy castle to deal with his anorexia alone while as the prince of the kingdom, He Man runs around oppressing him.

Scooby Doo:  Obviously makes fun of black people.  He has a funny name just like some black people named Lafanda, Bonifa, and Antwon.  He also talks funny (Ebonics).  He's a coward also and has to be bribed with food like fried chicken and watermelon.  Notice the rich white devil Freddy is in charge with his white devil girl friend Daffney.  Shaggy is obviously the poor white trash forced to live with the poor black Scooby.

Transformers:  Obviously homophobic.  The transformers can change their appearance just like transsexuals and other transgendered people.  They also are from another planet so they are illegal aliens.  Notice how the Autobots who want to play by the rules are the good guys and the other illegal aliens, the Decepticons, are given a sinister sounding name and oppressed by the good guys.  Their colors, voices, and even the vehicles they turn into are more sinister than the ones for the Autobots.  This show just screams Xenophobia.

GI-Joe:  The name alone is sexist.  And the show only has like two or three good female soldiers.  The strongest female character in the show is evil, The Baroness, and has a thickly German accent suggesting that strong women are evil Nazis and good women are submissive, pretty lower ranking soldiers like Scarlett and Lady Jane.  Just sickening the misogyny going on in GI-Joe.  Plus they are a bunch of gun toting, oppressive, military nuts going after a poor skinny guy with a lisp called Cobra Commander.  Just because the guy has a lisp is no reason to make snake jokes.  So it is also making fun of the disabled.

Land of the Lost:  While not a cartoon it is one of the other things I watched growing up and it is obviously racist and sexist.  All white guys in charge and the monkey like creatures are obviously making fun of Barack Obama.  They also speak Ebonics further making fun of black people.  The one girl on the show, Holly, is your typical helpless female who constantly needs to be saved.  Racist and sexist.

Madeline:  Based on the children's book it is about a little white girl in an elitist private school.  Obviously racist and making fun of the poor.  Shameful.

I'm sure there are others out there.  Feel free to point them out in the comments section so we can be sure to save the world from their evil ways.  We must force them to join the ranks of evil Little Black Sambo, Golliwogs, and TinTin in the Congo to be only spoken of in the darkness in hushed tones.  Burn them all!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Message to Garcia

It's been a while since I've posted anything but I recently came across this short essay written in 1899 that got me thinking, not just about my employement but also my service in the church.  It made me ask myself, "Am I the one mychurch leaders would trust to carry the message?"  I would like to say that I could answer "yes" every time.  I would like to believe I am that person or at least working to become that person.  Some days I believe I can be that person while on other days perhaps I am not.  But life is a process and I will continue to try and be that person who could carry a message to Garcia.

1899
A Message to Garcia

By Elbert Hubbard


In all this Cuban business there is one man stands out on the horizon of my memory like Mars at perihelion. When war broke out between Spain & the United States, it was very necessary to communicate quickly with the leader of the Insurgents. Garcia was somewhere in the mountain vastness of Cuba- no one knew where. No mail nor telegraph message could reach him. The President must secure his cooperation, and quickly.
What to do!
Some one said to the President, "There’s a fellow by the name of Rowan will find Garcia for you, if anybody can."
Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How "the fellow by the name of Rowan" took the letter, sealed it up in an oil-skin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, & in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia, are things I have no special desire now to tell in detail.
The point I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, "Where is he at?" By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-learning young men need, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act promptly, concentrate their energies: do the thing- "Carry a message to Garcia!"
General Garcia is dead now, but there are other Garcias.
No man, who has endeavored to carry out an enterprise where many hands were needed, but has been well nigh appalled at times by the imbecility of the average man- the inability or unwillingness to concentrate on a thing and do it. Slip-shod assistance, foolish inattention, dowdy indifference, & half-hearted work seem the rule; and no man succeeds, unless by hook or crook, or threat, he forces or bribes other men to assist him; or mayhap, God in His goodness performs a miracle, & sends him an Angel of Light for an assistant. You, reader, put this matter to a test: You are sitting now in your office- six clerks are within call.
Summon any one and make this request: "Please look in the encyclopedia and make a brief memorandum for me concerning the life of Correggio".
Will the clerk quietly say, "Yes, sir," and go do the task?
On your life, he will not. He will look at you out of a fishy eye and ask one or more of the following questions:
Who was he?
Which encyclopedia?
Where is the encyclopedia?
Was I hired for that?
Don’t you mean Bismarck?
What’s the matter with Charlie doing it?
Is he dead?
Is there any hurry?
Shan’t I bring you the book and let you look it up yourself?
What do you want to know for?
And I will lay you ten to one that after you have answered the questions, and explained how to find the information, and why you want it, the clerk will go off and get one of the other clerks to help him try to find Garcia- and then come back and tell you there is no such man. Of course I may lose my bet, but according to the Law of Average, I will not.
Now if you are wise you will not bother to explain to your "assistant" that Correggio is indexed under the C’s, not in the K’s, but you will smile sweetly and say, "Never mind," and go look it up yourself.
And this incapacity for independent action, this moral stupidity, this infirmity of the will, this unwillingness to cheerfully catch hold and lift, are the things that put pure Socialism so far into the future. If men will not act for themselves, what will they do when the benefit of their effort is for all? A first-mate with knotted club seems necessary; and the dread of getting "the bounce" Saturday night, holds many a worker to his place.
Advertise for a stenographer, and nine out of ten who apply, can neither spell nor punctuate- and do not think it necessary to.
Can such a one write a letter to Garcia?
"You see that bookkeeper," said the foreman to me in a large factory.
"Yes, what about him?"
"Well he’s a fine accountant, but if I’d send him up town on an errand, he might accomplish the errand all right, and on the other hand, might stop at four saloons on the way, and when he got to Main Street, would forget what he had been sent for."
Can such a man be entrusted to carry a message to Garcia?
We have recently been hearing much maudlin sympathy expressed for the "downtrodden denizen of the sweat-shop" and the "homeless wanderer searching for honest employment," & with it all often go many hard words for the men in power.
Nothing is said about the employer who grows old before his time in a vain attempt to get frowsy ne’er-do-wells to do intelligent work; and his long patient striving with "help" that does nothing but loaf when his back is turned. In every store and factory there is a constant weeding-out process going on. The employer is constantly sending away "help" that have shown their incapacity to further the interests of the business, and others are being taken on. No matter how good times are, this sorting continues, only if times are hard and work is scarce, the sorting is done finer- but out and forever out, the incompetent and unworthy go.
It is the survival of the fittest. Self-interest prompts every employer to keep the best- those who can carry a message to Garcia.
I know one man of really brilliant parts who has not the ability to manage a business of his own, and yet who is absolutely worthless to any one else, because he carries with him constantly the insane suspicion that his employer is oppressing, or intending to oppress him. He cannot give orders; and he will not receive them. Should a message be given him to take to Garcia, his answer would probably be, "Take it yourself."
Tonight this man walks the streets looking for work, the wind whistling through his threadbare coat. No one who knows him dare employ him, for he is a regular fire-brand of discontent. He is impervious to reason, and the only thing that can impress him is the toe of a thick-soled No. 9 boot.
Of course I know that one so morally deformed is no less to be pitied than a physical cripple; but in our pitying, let us drop a tear, too, for the men who are striving to carry on a great enterprise, whose working hours are not limited by the whistle, and whose hair is fast turning white through the struggle to hold in line dowdy indifference, slip-shod imbecility, and the heartless ingratitude, which, but for their enterprise, would be both hungry & homeless.
Have I put the matter too strongly? Possibly I have; but when all the world has gone a-slumming I wish to speak a word of sympathy for the man who succeeds- the man who, against great odds has directed the efforts of others, and having succeeded, finds there’s nothing in it: nothing but bare board and clothes.
I have carried a dinner pail & worked for day’s wages, and I have also been an employer of labor, and I know there is something to be said on both sides. There is no excellence, per se, in poverty; rags are no recommendation; & all employers are not rapacious and high-handed, any more than all poor men are virtuous.
My heart goes out to the man who does his work when the "boss" is away, as well as when he is at home. And the man who, when given a letter for Garcia, quietly take the missive, without asking any idiotic questions, and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest sewer, or of doing aught else but deliver it, never gets "laid off," nor has to go on a strike for higher wages. Civilization is one long anxious search for just such individuals. Anything such a man asks shall be granted; his kind is so rare that no employer can afford to let him go. He is wanted in every city, town and village- in every office, shop, store and factory. The world cries out for such: he is needed, & needed badly- the man who can carry a message to Garcia.



THE END-

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Chaos! Natural Dissasters! Civil Unrest! Birds Falling From the Sky!!!

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!

That's because I'm prepared for any dissaster and ready to go with my Mil Spec bag loaded with handy items to get me through the upcoming apocolypse!  My bag isn't exactly like this one but very similar.



The question you need to ask yourself is if you are ready for the coming zombie apocolypse.  Are you ready for armageddon?  Birds are already falling out of the sky.  According to doctor Peter Venkman, "Dogs and Cats have been seen living together."  Things are going downhill fast.  Prepare for the end!!!